Yesterday my darling boy had a sleep deprived EEG in the hope that the results will shed some light about what is going on with the seizures - they have all happened at night when he is tired. Sitting with him as he was attached to the machine was odd. He was attached to an EEG machine when I first met him - not counting when he was put on me blue and lifeless after his birth. He was screaming and I thought the electrodes were needles in his head. Yesterday he didn't scream. He had an EEG not that long ago and knew what to expect. He watched a Postman Pat video and relaxed. The lady performing the EEG asked some background questions, as they like to do not really listening to the answers (well that is how it seems to me) and not considering the pain the answers cause. When I said during birth his CTG was pathological for 90 minutes she looked at me as if I had no idea what I was talking about.

N came home during my previous post so it ended as a different post from the one in my head. The acceptance in the title points to how differently I feel after some sleep. I can cope with the shouting, hitting, the damage caused even probably the seizures when I feel rested. I need to remember this for when everything is out of control.

Control: I sometimes wonder if the lack of control I have over what the future holds is the main reason for my upset.

I find myself writing here in my head sometimes to help me get a grip when all my feelings get too much so it must be working.

Acceptance?

I slept last night! I feel so much better I want to write this to remind myself when it is going wrong again. I took a melatonin given to us by one of N's customers and I don't even remember falling asleep. Today I feel like I can deal with anything thanks to that sleep. It has been lack of sleep over the years impacting on my life that has made the hurt bigger, more angry, harder to cope with. So in a much happier mood I have changed the background colour of the blog - from black to blue - to reflect my new found ability to cope with all this.

Confirmation

Nearly two weeks ago, on 9th November, I went to a conference room in a hotel near Euston station. There I met a new barrister, the solicitor, a neuroradiologist, a midwife, an obstetrician, a consultant neonatologist, via telephone a paediatric neurologist and my mother and brother - to help me cope. All the experts agreed that the hospital were negligent and more importantly that there is a strong case for the hospital to answer. I am trying to process the outcome I flit between acceptance, anger - always the anger - sadness and a whole lot more as well as the tiredness from day to day living. Another seizure - on the night of 10th November (I was glad I was there I wasn't home until 10:30pm after the conference the night before) - put the painfulness on hold while we dealt with that, then of course there is the anger that we shouldn't have the seizures if the hospital had performed their duties properly. I want to punish the hospital so much. All the experts at the conference agreed that my baby should have been out before any damage happened yet the hospital in their responses to my questions refused to admit any wrong doing - why? I have always blamed myself now I know it wasn't my fault, the hospital must have known that all those years ago too. I am angry on so many levels.