enough

I have been trying to help a friend and I can do it no longer. I wonder why. I finally got round to telling her that I can no longer help her just yesterday and I feel so much better today, like a weight has lifted. Both boys biked to school this morning with me running (a long way...) behind. I walked back home, hoovered, made a cake and am currently pretending to complete an essay - I am good at pretending to do that. I feel like I have some time to myself again. So why could I no longer help her? Well it started out as helping to sort through stuff - you know that stuff that just piles up over the years - it was to be one hour a week with the idea of alternating weeks, so one week at her house and one week at mine. Sounds great right? Well this was in September and she has come to my house once! but I was pretending to be ok with that. The thing that pushed me over the edge - ok things - were she stared saying 'come at 1:45' - it used to be 2 - little thing I know but this is my time. Then I was going after dropping the boys at school and she would set the timer for an hour when I had already been there 30 minutes this was beginning to irritate me a little but I probably would have let that go in itself. The last thing and the one that made me think 'hang on a minute' was she was booking me in - we arranged for about 3 or 4 weeks in advance - and she started harassing me because I had an appointment at the hospital for DS, she said 'what about Wednesday, you don't work all day' well f*** me that was too much. I work in a charity shop one morning a week I finish at 1pm, get home have lunch then pick the boys up I am not sorting her stuff on Wednesday. So I have said enough. She was beginning to overwhelm me but I know it was all in my head - why couldn't I just lay down some appropriate boundaries and stick to the hour a week, no more and sometimes at my house please - I have piles of stuff too. Well maybe that is the next stage of my recovery for now I am pleased with myself for saying 'enough' I wish I had stood up for myself in that hospital and not let those midwives injure my baby, my god how I wish that. I hate myself for that more than I could ever allow myself to acknowledge I should have done something then but as I can't go back and make that better I am going to enjoy my small victory and that cake I can smell now.