To the midwives

Last night I googled the names of the three midwives in attendance during DS's birth. I have done this a few times before. I don't know why. Anyhoo, I discovered that one has written a report about monitoring CTGs (!, not sure how she is qualified to do that considering her history) and another is on a tv show about midwives (I am so glad we got rid of the tv although I wish I knew before.) I discovered an e-mail address for one of them and I have written to her I am not ready to send it yet, it is not finished, I will add to it, but I will pop it here in case she wonders by.

At [time] on [date] I gave birth to my darling son. He was blue and unable to breathe. I know why. I understand the mechanics. I was overdosed on Syntocinon infusion and tachysystole became hyperstimulation. In normal circumstances this is not a problem, it is noticed because if a woman is given Syntocinon infusion the baby must have continuous electronic fetal monitoring. In our case the continuous electronic fetal monitoring was neither appropriate nor adequate. My darling son was begging for help. The continuous electronic fetal monitoring was pathological for nearly two hours.

Three midwives reviewed the CTG during this time, you were one of them.

We live with the consequences of ignoring a pathological CTG trace for nearly two hours daily. I want you to know a little bit about how we have been affected. I blame myself. I have had counselling but the panic attacks continue. I dream that I am strapped to a bed trying to get away from an unidentified being trying to hurt me. I can only use my arms and I can never get away. I have so much anger and am not always able to channel it appropriately. My darling son did not walk until he was two and a half years old. He did not talk until he was five. He needs a dedicated learning support assistant for 25 hours of his 25 hours spent at school in order to access the curriculum. I don't know of he will ever be able to write his name.