I keep writing posts in my head which has helped me cope but I need to type today. The solicitor sent me a letter nearly a fortnight ago with numerous incorrect details and I am feeling that as well as not being able to protect my baby before he was born I am not doing the best for him now in my (his?) fight for compensation. Why do I feel that? Because I am not managing the process well? The solicitor wrote the unprofessional letter so why do I take the blame? The midwives and doctors acted unprofessionally at the birth so why do I take the blame? I should have stood up for him. I should have stood up for him. Now every day feels like a fight. I am angry at the wrong people. Who am I angry with? Well today - not just today - this is perhaps the reason I need to type, I am angry with N. I need to understand why. Because he knows I am angry with him I told him I blame him and he refused to say anything? Probably both. I am constantly flitting between wanting to leave him and wanting to forgive him. I think I hate him but my boys need him and I need my boys. Is all this because the midwives didn't do their job and provide a standard of care that could be reasonably expected?