The last seizure was the morning after my graduation! I finished my MA. It was great I loved wearing the different coloured robe from all the BAs how sad is that? I only wanted to do the graduation thing for the kids to see, something for them to remember and for them to see that I finished my degree so they could too if that is what they want to do. But I loved it, it was so much better than my last one. I had tooth ache last time and had a horrid day, this time I enjoyed it.
So the graduation has made me think. I tend to focus on the crushing and awful, I have been taking time to think about the positives. The MA sums it up, it represents taking the bad thing that happened to DS - those midwives not acting and leaving him starved of oxygen for 90 minutes (idiots!) - and creating a positive.
DS was crying when I met him - not when he was born and dead, not that time I met him I don't really count that, I mean later. When he was 48 hours old we were told he had an 80% chance of a physical and/or intellectual disability, his machines sounded alarms consistently and I assumed the nurses were leaving him because he was damaged. (I later found out it was because he was full term and coping well and the machines were set up for poorly babies born early.) So the crying has always worried me. I read about leaving babies to cry causing damage to their brains because of the increase in cortisol due to stress, so I tried not to let DS cry. I never left him. I thought I should do that for him. After all I damaged him before he was born I couldn't knowingly damage him again by leaving him to cry. I was in possession of the facts this time - no crying...So I have always sat with him at bed time. Always. Firstly I used to go to sleep, then I read trashy novels. My brain was getting mushier and mushier so I signed myself up for an Open University course and have never stopped - except for one 6 month break but...well that in itself is another story not for sharing here...so now I have an MA and because I am addicted to it - the sitting with him while he transitions to sleep, and the studying - I will have an MSc soon too!
So that is a wonderful thing to have done. Also while I am congratulating myself and focusing on the good things I should tell you that I birthed my DS2 at home. I knew the hospital had messed up, I wanted another baby and I didn't trust handing over my care to anyone else. I had moved by the time DS2 was born I had to leave Leeds, too many horrid memories. Here - where we moved to - the midwives were fully supportive of a home birth. It was wonderful. I remember not being able to sleep that night and leaving DS2 and N in bed to go downstairs and sit where I had birthed him - healthily, how it was meant to be. It was healing. I hate what happened to DS1 but some great things have grown from it. Thank you to my beautiful boys.
