nearly seven years has past and yet some days it feels like just yesterday. i struggle with the love i feel for him as he is now and the pain i have for the boy i should (um, should why should...) have had. i feel i should have had a different boy, a boy with the ability to write his own name, call me 'mum', play with the other boys as they run round the playground. here we are though, he is different, WE are different. did i want to sit with other women discussing the only thing we had in common - birthing our children - able to join in and reflect on 'well at least you both survived'? did i want to have the 'sleeps through the night' champion? did i want the boy who could talk before all the others, walk early and read before he started school? no, no, no but that doesn't stop the hurt from having the possibilities, what he could, should, have been taken away before he even left my body. while i was still responsible, when i should have spoken and demanded better treatment. sometimes that birthing process we went through together is hard to forget and still nearly seven years later i blame it for my almost daily sadness. i am going to write all my thoughts about it down in an attempt to recover.
